WHERE SHE TAKES ME


by Laura McCarthy

This piece is protected by copyright.
It is reproduced here with the author's permission.



it starts
suddenly
with a circle
circular motion
a sense of movement
going counterclockwise
and it feels
it feels like it comes
out of
my mouth
the left side
of my face

a scatter pattern
a pattern
a scatter
left to right
if there is
a left
a right
a pull
a circularity
a circle
around me
above me
from me

I am both
inside it
like a big cavern
a huge room
a cathedral
I am both
the inside
and the outside

and I don't know
I don't know how
I don't know how to
move
or swim
through this space

and I keep thinking
it's growing
growing out of my body
growing out of my face
spinning out
of my body
and wondering where my body
is

and I want to relax
and just wonder
at the beauty
of it all

but a part of
me
a part of me is
saying
where am I
not as in what is this place
where is this place

but
where is my body

because it's like
pure consciousness
without
without any physical sense

but I feel like I
like I should be inside
this space I've created

instead
I
am
the
space

and this time it is
pastel green
but another time it was
pink luminescent light

and it's made of
me
it's made of
my face
repeating

over&over&over&over&over &
like a patchwork
well not really
a woven fabric

and it would be very peaceful
except for me
wondering
where my body's gone
where my body's gotten to
and if it will ever
come
back

or will I ever find my way
back

whatever that means
or
is

so I want to let go
to explore
to swim

and it's huge
and it's vast
and it's cavernous

and afterwards
there is this
deep
profound
sense of
regret
because I couldn't
stay
longer

it is the place I have always
wanted to be

it is the place I have
always looked for

it is me

—Laura McCarthy