MY BODY WAS AN ENORMOUS CARNIVAL

Justin

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Daniel Siebert




I could feel the salvia taking hold of me almost instantaneously. My nerves began to fire all over my body; my heart began to pound more intensely and more rapidly as well. Visually I got the impression of myself slipping into a huge void, clutching at anything. I felt myself begin to panic and I spoke up to my sitter, “I’m having a hard time getting into this,” I said with a trembling voice. Ted calmly replied, “Just relax; it’s just like going to sleep.” And with that my whole body completely surrendered to the experience. A mantra began to repeat itself, “Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay.” The intensity grew. The pounding of my heart became the relentless pounding of a marching band drum. Suddenly my body was an enormous carnival. Every cell and fiber was completely celebrating. Faster and faster the music played and my body began to dance wildly. The carnival was lighthearted and festive, while being completely dark at the same time. I saw zany cartoon characters from the fifties (almost like Bosco and Steam-boat Mickey) dancing with skeletons and death. Every aspect of the experience was met with acceptance and appreciation. I felt no fear or resistance. The whirling colors changed faster and faster: vibrant reds, blues, and yellows. Suddenly I was looking at a backdrop of “skin” and the colors were swirling tattoo ink. Then they turned earth colors, and roots began to take shape all around me, and like that, I was back in the room.

In my mind I began to replay trip reports from others I had read. I could feel it taking my own experience away from me. One thought then, occurred which was so clear, “I am in no other place but here. I am having my own experience, which is completely unique.” Suddenly the noise from outside became like water and my ears were drains. The “water” rapidly poured into them and the world became absolutely silent. Waves of relaxation washed over me, taking me deeper into myself. I have never felt as safe and comforted as I did last night. I realize that feeling comes from me, it is me. I still carry the presence I felt during the experience.